Sleb Safari: Tanks a Lot Kanye West

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NEWS has just arrived from the WhatsApp group of car dealers to which Sleb Safari belongs – Kanye West has sold his custom tank to the Diesel Brothers, off TV, for $500,000.

It’s not just any tank, it’s a Ripsaw EV2 tank. And there’s a three-year waiting list for them. Wait, that makes it the Hermès Birkin bag of the tank world.

Sleb Safari googled the Ripsaw EV2 tank so you don’t have to and it’s basically a luxury off-road vehicle and Sleb Safari wants one. Or at least a go in one.

According to luxexpose.com, the Ripsaw EV2 is “equipped with gullwing doors, air conditioning, an audio system, premium leather seats and since there is no rear window, the vehicle has an LCD screen with integrated reversing camera”.

If desired, you can also order a fully sealed aerospace aluminum “hull” with buoyancy capability. Practice!

Admittedly, a tank is not the most practical vehicle.

Kanye must have bought it, thinking it would impress the other parents at school, then realized parking was a nightmare.

Sleb Safai imagines he had been idle on his ranch in Wyoming for so long that he had effectively become a very expensive flowerpot. Kanye West isn’t going to have a milk churn with daisies growing on top or a giant teacup and saucer full of succulents. If anyone wants to have white roses growing out of a gun turret on a tank, it’s Kanye West.

The Diesel Brothers are Dave Sparks, aka Heavy D, and Dave Kiley, aka Diesel Dave, and they have their own TV show where they do things like customize pickup trucks and buy Kanye West a tank.

How different life might have been for the Chuckle Brothers if they had only advanced one letter in the alphabet during this brainstorming session.

Heavy D confirmed the purchase to tmz.com and revealed that the custom tank had an in-dash DVD player that only plays a single video clip, “on an endless loop”.

Is it healthy? Being locked in a rolling metal box with a song on repeat? It’s not. Sleb Safari believes that we have squarely found the reason for the sale of the tank. Heavy D says he sees no other solution than to rip this DVD drive. Well absolutely, the resale value will start to climb as soon as you reach for your tools. Crack.

Read more: Sleb Safari: Bono, how are you?

Sesame Street dreams come true

Brett Goldstein was invited to Sesame Street and he still hasn’t recovered.

Sleb Safari can safely say that, apparently, Brett had the best day of his life.

Craig Revel Horwood is fun, okay?

And so to the strict judge that everyone loves to hate, the pantomime character that is Craig Revel Horwood.

Craig is going on tour later this year with a show that will see him sing, dance and turn things around. He says he can’t wait for the public to see the “real” him.

“You’ll see the lighter, brighter, smile side of me,” he told whoever was on The One Show’s couch the night he was.

“Obviously on Strictly I have to be a judge and I play that character, but on tour I’m going to be myself.

“I think most people think I’m like me on Strictly all the time, but I’m actually quite fun.”

It’s never a good start when you have to tell people you’re fun but hey ho, good luck with that Craig tour.

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